bluechaoticrose's Xanga

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Wed, 13 Jul 2005 19:24:06 GMT

Travis spoke with my Dad on July 3, 2005. Travis said, "do you want me to talk to him?" I said, "yes", so Travis called him. After talking to him, my Dad thinks that Travis is an okay guy. That takes a load of pressure off me. I think my Dad realizes that we're happy together.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Sun, 10 Jul 2005 11:35:33 GMT

I spoke with Jen tonight about Zach. It's been over a year and a half since I told him I loved him. I gave him two weeks and then I started dating Travis. I didn't give him notice that I was going to start dating Travis, it just happened. Well, for awhile Jen said that she noticed she could see regret in Zach's eyes and this was before she knew that something happened between us.

Well, what happened between us is that when I first starting attending DeVry University, we hit it off and become good friends. I let him know early on that we couldn't date, because he wasn't LDS. We still hung out a lot. He tickled me, teased me, played hackey sack, cooked for me, and flirted. We went swimming together, went out to Teriyaki, watched movies. I have many fond memories of us together. During the week during schools, he would stay at my apartment and sleep in the living room or my bedroom. This was because he saved on gas and I could get a ride to school.. A few days I slept in his bed (an air mattress he brought with him) and snuggled with him. I really liked him, but decided not to date him. Zach helped me through a few rough times. I was so happy when I was with him. I told Zach that I think I loved him after he helped me through a rough time and he didn't know how to respond to that.

One day I pretended that I was asleep in the living room near the TV. Zach had set up his computer and air mattress in the living room and was playing on the computer. He took a break and said, "Jessica, are you awake", or something like that. Then he caressed my face gently. I couldn't believe it. That proved that he cared for me.

Another night I slept over at his house, because he was too tired to drive me home. His bedroom was in the basement and his bed was near a window. It was raining gently during the night. I still remember listening to the rain fall and feeling like my pain was significant and would be bonded in my memory with the rain. I told Zach that I would be willing to give him a chance as long as he respected my beliefs. He wasn't sure that it would work out. He said, "that he wasn't sure how he felt about me, because after I told I couldn't date him, he started thinking about his x-girlfriend." I didn't think there was any chance that they were going to get back together. Well, this broke my heart and I cried. I slept on his chest and every few hours I would wake up and start crying again. He said, "are you okay?" I said, "no, my heart still hurts." Well, we went to school the next morning, very exhausted. I tried to act normal, but it was difficult.

Two weeks later, I invited him to see the opera, "Carmen". We ate at Red Lobster. It was a fantastic date. I had waited two weeks for him. The next day, I hung out with Travis in Seattle. I had started to like Travis a little. We came back to his apartment and he invited me in to talk. Although it was late, I said okay. Then we got to talking. I asked him if he would date me or something like that. I told him that I liked him and we agreed to start going out. Travis and I laid out the ground rules. Then we went into the bedroom and started making out hard core. He even got some of my clothes off! I knew there was no going back to the Mormon church.

I think it was a few weeks later when I told Zach and we ate at Denny's. He said, he didn't hold it against me. We didn't really hang out after that. The rumor at the school was that I was a bitch for not dating Zach, because everyone knew we both liked each other. Little did they know that I gave Zach a chance to date me. I just got impatient with him. I don't regret dating Travis, it just bugs me that Zach, such a great guy, got hurt and I don't know about it. It bugs me that I have used the coping mechanism to ignore in order to deal with the pain, doubt, regret, and fear. I didn't really evolve those feelings and settle them. I just kind of forgot about them, because I was so busy starting a relationship with Travis.

I have learned so much from dating Travis. I am more focused, more mature, less gullible, less innocent, and more responsible. I think it's a good thing that we dated, but I still miss Zach every once in a while. I miss him when I see a beat up old truck (he used to drive one around). I miss him when I think of the old apartment, hear "Serenity" by Godsmack, and go swimming.

I want to tell him that I miss him and I want to be his friend. I've been burying my anger for him. I want to push him away so much, so it hurts him, or so our relationship wouldn't exist anymore and I could erase it from my memory. I wish he would call me and make the effort to hang out.

People at my school don't hang out with me anymore. Jen said it's because Travis has such a strong personality. I've changed also. I'm not the fun, gullible, Mormon anymore. Now, I'm not afraid to show that I'm intelligent and that I will fight for what I believe. I am more assertive and more aware of people's bullshits and lies. I'm getting the hang out identifying sincerity and learning to keep track of when people keep their word.

Speaking of keeping your word, I promised Zach that I would take him out for his birthday. His birthday was more than 1/2 year ago. I will take him out sometime.

Travis and my personality seemed to have grown around each other. I just can't picture being out with my friends, without having him there. If he's not there physically, he's there in my heart. That bothers me, because it seems that I lost myself completely through arguing with Travis (realizing my negative behaviors and attitudes) and with Travis' help found it; so he is my only guide. I would like to have some friends that are not connected with Travis; but they always will be, because I will end up telling him about my dreams and hopes with my friendships and what we do. When I tell him about my friends or even think about telling him, I hope that he will make a note of it that I am building friendship and have a life outside of him. Simply by hoping that it's important to him, that part of me becomes a part of him. It's hard to explain.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Tue, 05 Jul 2005 23:40:08 GMT

I was just reading over some of my old entries and shocked at what I read. It's been a real rollercoaster ride for Travis and me. Things are going well now. I had lunch with a coworker today. I told him that Travis said if I want to do something like PeaceCorps or AmeriCorps, he would support me and even let me go. My coworker was impressed and said, "that's love."

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Sun, 03 Jul 2005 05:26:46 GMT

Tonight I spoke with my father and afterwards I was very depressed. He says that he'll never accept Travis. He mentioned that we might end up drifting apart, like my two half-sisters; just because he can't learn to accept their different way of life. They're not Mormon and never will be and now I am not Mormon and have no plans of going back. This is hard on my father and mother, because they were just sealed in the temple with their family. In the LDS religion, this means that they will be together forever after they die with God. It's a huge committment and I won't be joining them. I could go to another heaven. In the LDS religion, after you die you go to Spirit Paradise or Spirit Prision, depending on your actions and your heart after you die. Then when the final judgement day comes (2nd coming of Christ), you will be judged and sent to one of three kingdoms or outer darkness. The three kindgdoms of Heaven are, in descending order, Celestial, Terrestial, and Telestial - also known as degrees of glory. Oh yeah, then there's outer darkness. Well, if you are not sealed to your family, you can end up going to another kingdom. I don't know how that works out. It's a big deal for the Mormons.

He did say two things that hit me like a stone. He said, "you are kind for loving me", and "If I could go back and change things, I would." I could hear over the phone he was getting misty-eyed. He has a hard time accepting that I'm not Mormon anymore. I'm different. I've always been fascinating by others' beliefs; simply because they believe in it, hold it dear to their heart, and their beliefs give them meaning and purpose in life. I respect that and I am happy that others have found meaning and purpose, even if it's not through the Mormon church. I want to learn about Buddhist teachings and why they do what they do. I respect any religion that respects all human beings.

I spoke with Travis afterwards and he said he is still learning to accept and forgive his father for some of the things he's done. They simply do not see eye to eye on many things. Travis said the fact that he said some of the hurtful things that he did, means that he cares and is concerned for him. The opposite of love is indifference (or apathy). My dad cares for me a lot. otherwise he wouldn't be saying some of the things he does say to me.

Travis and I respect my mother so much for striving to be a mother and having such a difficult time. I've never seen my dad the same way. Probably because I don't know him very well. I have a hard time seeing the progress my dad has made, because many of his actions seem irrational. He says he's going to change, but is so inconsistent that it's hard to believe him. With my mom, she never made so many promises that she couldn't keep, but said I love you and am trying to be a good mother, even though she has panic attacks when making dinner and planning. She has improved over the years. With my mother, she told me her will, her intentions, and I saw her see many things through with patience. My dad's an impatient person, but is becoming more patient through the years.

Today I ate sushi at To Dai in Redmond, Washington. It's expensive, but very delicious. It was for my friend's birthday party. Then afterwards Travis and I washed the car and went to the movies. I saw Batman Begins and Bewitched. I enjoyed them very much.

Thanks Amy for telling me you read my online journal. It has motivated me to write again.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Fri, 01 Apr 2005 06:37:39 GMT

I feel that I need to write to remember who I am. I feel empty most of the time and I hate that. I need to find something to put there. Piano and the LDS church used to be there. Now, when people ask what am I passionate about, I'm not sure what to say. It's the truth. I am passionate about music, but it's been so long that it's been a part of my every day life, I feel like I don't even deserve to say I am passionate about music.

I want to replace that with the desire to improve. Travis tells me that I do not even want to improve, that I could care less. It hurts a little, but I know it's true. I don't want to stay in this same state the rest of my life or even for one more year. I look at myself like this a year from now, and I don't want to be "just okay" with graduating, "just okay" with myself. How can I do that? Well, just working my butt off, doesn't work. I have to be consistent in the areas I choose to improve or else it's all for nothing.

Hm....I need to develop specific goals and measure my progress. Then I will be able to tell myself I am doing well or poorly. I can tell Travis that I am improving and actually show him the results.

Working on my finances 15 minutes a day. Writing all bills on the calendar. Completing all of my chores. Being on time. Listen to a motivational tape a day. Read for 15 minutes.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Sun, 13 Mar 2005 06:22:48 GMT

Emily called me today and was telling me what she did yesterday. She went to HS prom and had a blast with her friend Ziggy. She also had some frustrating times with a friend and some drunk men. Crazy. Nothing serious. When I stop to think about it, I miss my family.

I miss Emily's smile and just being myself. I miss talking to Jason and playing board games with his friends. I miss talking to my Mom. I miss my Dad's seemingly honest intentions and his hopes. Even though I can analyze my Dad's behavior more now and realize that he has no clue what he's doing. It's okay. I've let go of some of the hurt he has caused me.

What I don't miss about High School is feelings depressed and stuck. I don't miss my messy house and the embarrassment that comes with that. The same habits follow you around if you don't change them. Right now I live with my boyfriend, and my apartment has similarities with the house I grew up in. There are piles of papers and clothing in my bedroom. I'm not sure how to organize it. There are piles of papers in the office and little organization. Just like my Dad. He moved papers here and there. There are boxes of papers and just junk in the basement. I don't want that to become me. As a young adult, I don't have that much stuff, but it still is sprawled all over the place, adding to a discouraging feeling. Travis has brought this up to me. Travis is not organized either. Well, there might be a method to his madness, but I'm not sure. I'm not sure how I manage to pay anything on time.

I have become better at taking care of things as I see them and whenever I have a few moments, I will put something away.

I am writing all the bills on a calendar in my room. I wish that Travis would write it up there too, but he hasn't. He hasn't committed to writing the bills on the calendar when I confronted him about it. It gives me a short reminder without me having to look all over the bill, hoping that it wasn't due yesterday. I hate that feeling. Unfortunately, I've become comfortable with it. If I wasn't comfortable with it, and it got on my nerves, I would pay all my bills on time and take care of all the messes instead of watching a movie. Well, enough talk about who I don't want to be. I want to be a responsible adult. Some specific goals I can do to reach is to complete my weekly and daily chores. Make a task list every day and follow it through.

It's amazing that when I don't have time to relax on some days, I don't mind at all. I don't feel dragged down, I just feel proud that I didn't have time to relax. I was busy all the time. It's a good feeling, but not necessarily great, because that busy time, might not have been spent on my highest priorities.

I've become more objective and a better critical thinker since hanging around people with those skills and taking a critical thinking class. I speak up more often when something is not clear. I say, not necessarily, when an implied assumption is just taken without objection. I am clearer in my directions and think more things through.

I am becoming a better person. I have had more confidence lately and Travis has noticed it shining in me. I make clever and wise comments in a different tone of voice, a confident tone of voice. I don't as many mistakes and I am more motivated to just get up and work. Just get it done and over with, so I can relax. It's getting better and better.

Monday, January 17, 2005

Mon, 17 Jan 2005 03:43:37 GMT

Tsumani Report - January 2, 2005

Reading this article has opened up a new avenue of thought for me. They need Project Managers to manage the massive natural disasters that have hit every country in the history of mankind. Perhaps this is where I could be used. I can definitely get involved in CERT (Community Emergency Response Team) and volunteer my time, or if there's a paid position, start off my PM career.

There were so many dead, it's shocking and I'm sure that members who picked up the bodies will be affected psycholigcally the rest of their lives. There will be major reconstruction in Banda Aceh and the other places that were hit by the Tsunami for years. Hm....perhaps I could learn the language of the countries affected and after a few years of experience being a Project Manager, go to Sri Lanki or Banda Aceh to help them restructure the community and build hope again.

Here is the article from the Times website.
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http://www.time.com/time/covers/1101050110/tsunami_disease.html

The small village of velankanni, on the southeastern coast of India, is thought to be a holy place. It draws Christian pilgrims to a Roman Catholic basilica there, as well as Muslims and Hindus seeking blessings and good fortune. In Velankanni, Christians, Muslims and Hindus together prayed for their dead last week—and all the while struggled desperately to save the living. In the wake of the tsunami, at least 75,000 people, half the population of the area affected, have crowded into hastily built refugee camps that became instant incubators for disease. Critical supplies—medicine, potable water, disinfectant—are sorely lacking. In one camp set up in a Hindu temple, 2,500 people are sleeping and eating next to their own excrement. Four days after the tsunami hit, some 4,000 people in Velankanni were already being treated for vomiting and diarrhea, according to the head of a local health charity. Relief workers fear an imminent outbreak of cholera, gastroenteritis and hepatitis B. "The situation is very, very serious," says Dr. V. Ramani, director of the Gandheepam Global Foundation, an Indian health nongovernmental organization (ngo). "The government has to start moving to the villages [instead of] expecting people to come to them."

For the entire world—governments, large ngos, private charities and individuals moved to contribute to the massive relief efforts under way—getting to the villages is now the order of the day. In the first week after the tsunami, governments around the world pledged $2 billion in assistance to the devastated region, though in reality no one knows what the total cost of relief will be in the end. While the Bush Administration took heat for initially pledging only $15 million—a sum that has since increased to $350 million—private charities and relief agencies say they are stunned by the level of contributions from individual donors. During the first week of the crisis, the American Red Cross received more than $9 million in donations made through a single website, Amazon .com. Oxfam has raised at least $28 million worldwide and said it may be on track to collect more than it did in the wake of the 1984-85 Ethiopian famine that killed a million people. Pfizer, the large U.S. pharmaceutical company, said it was giving $10 million in cash to relief organizations and an additional $25 million in medicine. Mike Kieran, a spokesman for Save the Children, says that during the genocide in Rwanda 10 years ago—in which 800,000 people were murdered—the immediate outpouring of donations to relief agencies was generous, "but it doesn't even come close to this."

As with every disaster, though, raising money is one thing, but getting it to those who need it in time to stave off second-tier effects, such as hunger and disease, is a far more daunting proposition. As the spreading illnesses in the village of Velankanni demonstrate, providing immediate relief to vast numbers of displaced people is a vexing task. And the huge geographic swath affected by the tsunami, encompassing a dozen countries, only makes things more difficult. Despite the large amounts of cash pledged to help the victims, relief was still just trickling into many affected areas days after the disaster. "You're the first person to stop and ask us how we're doing," S.M. Roshan, a fisherman in Sri Lanka, told Time 30 hours after the tsunami hit. "We have got no food, water or medical supplies from anyone."

If that situation persists, the world may witness an even greater human calamity. The U.N. World Health Organization (who) warns that millions of people could face life-threatening maladies unless aid is delivered effectively and disease is contained. The lack of clean water, aid officials say, is the first, most basic problem. Dirty water acts as a gateway to a hellish spectrum of risks. The salination of wells, rivers and other water sources means that people are far more likely to ingest contaminated water in the days and weeks ahead, which is a particular risk to already weakened children. Examples of the consequences already abound. In Banda Aceh, Indonesia, Nur Asni, 42, a mother of five, gave her children water from a contaminated well near where she and other refugees had fled. "It tasted funny—rather salty and strange," Asni says, and now the children all have diarrhea. Also, standing pools of water left by the tsunami are "perfect breeding grounds" for mosquitoes carrying malaria or dengue, says Dick Vandertak, executive director of Doctors Without Borders in Hong Kong. Relief workers are monitoring affected areas for the possibility of a cholera outbreak, given that the disease spreads through dirty water and food.

So far, the U.N. has set up 200 relief centers throughout the region, with more opening daily. First responders from the Red Cross have distributed cholera-treatment kits, and who has dispatched scores of public-health advisers to help coordinate treatment efforts. Emergency-response units from international charities and ngos have arrived in what Vincent Janssens, medical director for Doctors Without Borders in Brussels, calls the zero phase of relief efforts—the treatment of basic trauma among victims injured by the tsunami. His organization was the first to reach devastated areas of Aceh Province on the western coast of Sumatra, but what it could do was limited, in part because of a lack of able-bodied assistance. "It's proved very difficult to rely on local providers because so many of them are dead too," Janssens says.

The damage to critical infrastructure—everything from roads to pipes carrying clean water to local health ministries—is a double blow. Not only does it assist in the spread of disease, but it also makes getting assistance to victims harder. Even under the best circumstances, the roads to Banda Aceh "are hardly gorgeous North American highways," says a unicef official. Now they have been badly damaged, which is why it took days for relief workers just to reach the area where Indonesian government officials fear that at least 80,000 may have died. Once they are on the roads, the lack of functioning fuel stations compounds distribution problems. Trucks carrying supplies and medical equipment have to carry enough gasoline to get them back to the nearest airport, limiting their capacity to deliver critical necessities and contributing to bottlenecks throughout the supply chain. The Indonesian military air base at Halim Perdanakusma in Jakarta last Wednesday was packed with tons of medicine and food, and more than a dozen trucks were waiting outside the base to be unloaded. The difficulty delivering supplies over land has prompted some aid agencies to try other means. Doctors Without Borders and unicef have been trying to rent boats to deliver supplies to the western coast of Sumatra, but even that has presented problems. Vandertak says some skippers, fearing another tsunami, are too shaken to head back out to sea.

In areas that are more accessible, coordination among governments and relief agencies becomes critical. In Velankanni, unicef official Paul Deveril says a lack of medicine is not the problem: "I'm quite surprised how much there is." The problem, Deveril says, is "whether there is a system to deliver the stuff." Where coordination is lacking, chaos results. In the southern town of Dodanduwa, Sri Lanka, H.P.P. Gamini, a diver whose mother was killed by the tsunami, says the aid distribution system "is completely chaotic. Whoever runs up to the truck and grabs gets food. The workers have no idea who actually needs aid." In one affected area of India, there was, if anything, an excess of giving. Local aid agencies stopped accepting donations of clothing because relatively poor fishermen and their families had become picky about what they were receiving, preferring only new saris and dhotis (long pieces of cloth worn tied around the waist by Indian men). By late in the week, a giant pile of used saris collected at a relief office in the small city of Tiruvarur remained untouched.

Governments in the region are struggling to get hold of the problem, some more creatively than others. The Jayalalithaa state government in Tamil Nadu, India, which emcompasses Velankanni, hired IBM to set up a total management-information system to improve coordination among relief workers. "The system will get us critical information every day, mapping the data on a matrix to ensure that the supply of relief materials matches the demand," says Vivek Harinarain, the state's zonal relief commissioner.

Coordinating the global relief effort unfolding in South Asia is less a matter of technology than it is of bureaucracy. Getting a vast array of relief charities—from local faith-based organizations to large multinational ngos like Doctors Without Borders—to work toward the same goals is never easy. The U.N. is playing the key role in sorting out who will do what as the relief effort gains traction. The U.N. Office of Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs (ocha) "helps us figure out who is going to manage the medical clinics, who is going to provide food and who is going to run water and sanitation," says Raymond Offenheiser, president of Oxfam America. This order of battle in the relief wars has emerged through bitter experience. A decade ago, during the genocide in Rwanda, he says, not only was there limited coordination between the U.N. and ngos, but there was also confusion among U.N. agencies: unicef did not know what who was doing and vice versa. "Rwanda was a nightmare," Offenheiser says. "We had these large refugee camps, and you would find lots of agencies milling around trying to do things large and small, duplicating efforts left and right. What you get is a lot of waste and a lot of anarchy." In the decade since then, Offenheiser and other ngo members say, cooperation within the U.N. system has improved, in part because Secretary-General Kofi Annan saw to it that ocha's coordinating role was strengthened.

Though governments, charities and concerned individuals may have the understandable urge to offer immediate assistance, experienced aid workers know that patience is a virtue. With a calamity of this size, says Brian Grogan, a spokesman for ocha, "it takes a long time to do the assessments and get everybody singing from the same song sheet." The U.N. has called for contributions of $130 million so far, and a much larger appeal will be made after Jan. 6, when its agencies have a better understanding of how many people have been affected, what their needs are and how much relief will cost.

In this age of constant media coverage, the images of death and destruction that horrify us can be fleeting. But the region wrecked by the tsunami will need hundreds of millions—perhaps even billions—of dollars for recovery efforts. That is why U.N. and ngo officials alike last week stressed that the rebuilding just starting will be a long-term project. Oxfam's Offenheiser says it will take years—and a lot more cash—to rebuild the communities and local economies destroyed by the disaster. "People think, when you've got the bodies off the beach, the job is over," he says. "But the job has just begun."

—With reporting by Aravind Adiga/Dodanduwa, Neil Gough and Hanna Kite/Hong Kong, James Graff/Paris, Zamira Loebis/Banda Aceh, Carolina A. Miranda and Deirdre van Dyk/New York, Alex Perry/Tamil Nadu and Baghwan Singh/Madras, India

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Wed, 05 Jan 2005 07:31:35 GMT

So much has happened since December 20th, but I will just start with what I am thinking about right now. I have been considering a career change. I have 1 year and 2 months left at DeVry until I graduate with a Bachelor's Degree in Business Administration. I don't think my heart wants to be in business, it wants to be free - to teach, to draw, to play music, to change lives. In business, it's about money and you work with the rules. I like the idea of being a Project Manager, but I know it is a very stressful job. Plus, BSBA's are a dime a dozen it seems.

I have not yet been challenged by the business program at DeVry. Sure, I have learned a lot from life and I apply what I learn from business to life. I have natural intelligence that is lying dormant. I love the social sciences, music, art, and the physical sciences. They challenge me. I enjoy learning about business. What I like most about it is the theory behind it all. I love to apply theories to real life. I love the hard core programming, electrical, and physics theories. It excites me to have this knowledge tucked away.

When I look at what Travis has learned from DeVry, it is so much easier in a sense because he is guaranteed a job in his area. Perhaps it's simple programming, perhaps a real challenge, that I know he would enjoy. As a business major, I have to be prepared with creativity, communication skills, leadership skills, and a keen eye to watch for the opportunities as they come my way. I have no doubt that I can. It's just so easy to turn from success to rags in the business world. I have no guarantee that I will have a job. I have no guarantee. With specific skills like networking, programming, and electrical engineering, I will get to work with my hands. I will be skilled and know what salary I can expect if I work hard. With business, it's not that way, on the flip of a coin, my business could go bankrupt.

I was thinking that after I graduate from DeVry, I would want to move back to Utah and attend the University of Utah with my sister to get a Masters' or Bachelor's Degree in Accounting. I understand accounting and it's exciting to apply the principles I have learned. If I can understand accounting and economics, project management, and people, I am sure that I will have good judgement when it comes to Business. I am sure I will make decent money. It's just that accounting is boring compared to many other topics. I enjoy many things, so it's not significant that I enjoy accounting. Infact, I enjoyed every class in High School, I loved learning about everything and wanted to take 10 classes!

My brain is not being challenged. My left side, the mathematical and logical side is dwindling, while my right, the creative and writing side, is slowly gaining. I am better at English and using my creativity (thanks to working with the ASB and group projects) since being at DeVry. My natural ability shown through in Science and Math on the ACT, SAT, and PSAT while my English skills were slightly lower. My left side is dwindling, what do I do?

I could go into Electrical or Computer engineering. They make good money. So do accountants. If I become an accountant, I will plan on making it to the Senior Accountant level. Once I am at management level, the chance for my project management skills will come. Right now I find Project Management fascinating, a little challenging, and fun. It's when you get down to math and science, where there is one right answer, that it's a real challenge to me. Find the cookie cutter answer and explain it to someone else with theory. Then help them solve the same problems themselves. I have always enjoyed tutoring. It's great when the student understands the concepts and asks questions that challenge their creativity and spark their interest. I have considered a career in teaching. I have thought about teaching business because students can learn to survive where business is the spoken language to living a comfortable life and not struggling like so many have. I love the social sciences, English, and sciences. You can make a great career out of anything you love. I want a challenge and the satisfaction of fostering another person, helping them to grow. That's why friendships are great. It's a challenge to prove to yourself and them that you are a good friend and try to become a better person through understanding and acceptance. Sometimes our friends offer challenges, but patience sees it through.

Electrical engineering seems drainng. I just love to discuss theory, what more can I say. Learning physics is awesome! Applying theory to a science question or experiment is awesome.

Take programming, there are only a few ways to make the program work, but once you find it, you know you've got it. In Accounting, I don't think it's so much like that. Just entering in the books.

It's funny that I am going to be 21 with a Bachelor's Degree in Business and have no clue where it is going to take me. It's such a general degree. As Amy said, I will be industry fodder. Project Management is a difficult field to get into, they tell me. With the right mentors, I can do anything. It's just that the cruel world doesn't always grant the wishes of the heart. I have learned many common sense things in this degree. The things I have learned of value is Accounting, Project Management, and Access/Excel. Those are the skills that I will be using. Marketing, management, business, and critical thinking, taught me very little skills, but helped me realize that many things in business are common sense or you just gotta learn them from experience. Or just cheat and get a mentor!

I envy the students at DeVry who are learning specific skills like 4 different programming languages and how to create a circuit board with microprocessor. Most of Travis' classes teach him specific skills that he uses in the next. It's because of the hands on approach and all the labs/reports he has to do/write. It's a lot of work. I enjoy homework. There's a great satisfaction in knowing you have applied what you learned and done it well. Then if you review it later and build upon it, it never leaves you. Then after years, it becomes habit. Just as Math was a habit for me in HS, I was a pro. Just as Travis' programming and computer skills never leave him; he just keeps using it.

That's all for now.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Tue, 21 Dec 2004 03:06:59 GMT

I talked to Jen about what I wrote and I realized that I can let go of all those negative emotions. What Travis says to me does not have to affect me in any way unless I let it. I'm feeling much better.

Monday, December 20, 2004

Mon, 20 Dec 2004 22:12:59 GMT

I procrastinate on everything, I feel guilty about it. I don't like it about myself and it is slowly starting to change. Travis keeps saying, just do it, and he's been repeating it over and over. I'm finally starting to listen. Travis has known me long enough that he can guess what I am going to do and is sucks because yesterday he was being very negative to me about it.

I said that I hadn't done anything about drawing for the book he's publishing. No one is relying on me, it's just an awesome opportunity. Several months ago, when I said I wanted to draw for it, they did not give me a deadline. Well, this month is when they want everything in. I can't contribute and I feel embarassed for saying I would draw something and then I didn't. I will contribute one picture, just so I am not completely ashamed. Well, Travis said, I knew you wouldn't.

I procrastinated deciding to break up with Travis and know we are moving into the new apartment. The last few days have been pretty good. I'm sick of it though. I am never good enough for him. If he has to put up with so much of my shit, why doesn't he break up with me. It would be better for him and for me. I've already told many of my friends that I am going to break up with him. My friend, Dan, says no one should treat me that way. Travis just forgets about how he has treated me in the past, yelling and down talking me. I have been able to let go of the negative emotions that are brought up when I see Travis or at least tuck them away. No one needs to live with that pressure all time. It seems that I can forget about it and continue on, but the same problems keep popping up. Travis says, I knew you would do this, or you're just like that. He said every once in a while I actually do what I say and I surprise him. That makes me want to run away and never see anyone because I am so ashamed of that. Great feelings, huh?

No one likes hearing bad things about themselves. I know that I procrastinate, that I am sloppy at times. I choose to ignore them at times and not work on them, even though deep inside that's not who I want to be. I don't want to disappoint myself and others. I can accept them and work on them one thing at a time. He gets impatient with me and seems to use this tone that cuts into my heart. I let it, I know that much. Most of the time I am choosing to not pay attention, I know it is simply by choice. The more I try to improve, the easier it will become. I know I can change those feelings. I can forgive his past, but why stick around when he is probably going to yell at me again. Part of the pain is that he reminds me of my father and that whole bundle of mess.

I feel guilty leaving Travis, because I know Travis will think that I have given up like I "always do". My emotions are constantly changing. Bah, I want out. I know that if I get out I won't notice the same behaviors in myself and be able to change them. Problem is that the stress it too much. I can be happy and successful in life. Hell, I am getting my Bachelor's Degree right now, I have been more successful than many people my age. Then Travis reminds me that I am fucked up in the head, that I give up, that I'm slow, that I should pay attention - constantly it seems. I just want to be happy. I am crying as I am writing this. Travis, just like my father, doesn't say often, "Jessica, I'm proud of you for moving out on your own, facing the world alone, choosing to leave your religion and find your own voice." Here I am, the behaviors haven't changed, but the emotions have. I am an adult and now I see this ugly world, I'm not in the Mormon box anymore.

Saturday night I was talking to Sweet Tooth Freak online and then my left chest started to hurt sharply and I started to sweat a little. The day before I helped Jeff DJ for his mom's Christmas Party and it was tiring. I spent 12 or more hours with him driving, unloading, dancing, and eating dinner. About half of that time I was doing physical labor. I think that could have caused it, plus I am under a lot of stress as usual.

The Four Agreements is what is going to change my life:
1) Be impeccable with your words.
2) Always do your best.
3) Don't take anything personally.
4) Don't make assumptions.

Think about it and start using one of the rules, you'll notice a huge difference.