| | I spoke with Jen tonight about Zach. It's been over a year and a half since I told him I loved him. I gave him two weeks and then I started dating Travis. I didn't give him notice that I was going to start dating Travis, it just happened. Well, for awhile Jen said that she noticed she could see regret in Zach's eyes and this was before she knew that something happened between us.
Well, what happened between us is that when I first starting attending DeVry University, we hit it off and become good friends. I let him know early on that we couldn't date, because he wasn't LDS. We still hung out a lot. He tickled me, teased me, played hackey sack, cooked for me, and flirted. We went swimming together, went out to Teriyaki, watched movies. I have many fond memories of us together. During the week during schools, he would stay at my apartment and sleep in the living room or my bedroom. This was because he saved on gas and I could get a ride to school.. A few days I slept in his bed (an air mattress he brought with him) and snuggled with him. I really liked him, but decided not to date him. Zach helped me through a few rough times. I was so happy when I was with him. I told Zach that I think I loved him after he helped me through a rough time and he didn't know how to respond to that.
One day I pretended that I was asleep in the living room near the TV. Zach had set up his computer and air mattress in the living room and was playing on the computer. He took a break and said, "Jessica, are you awake", or something like that. Then he caressed my face gently. I couldn't believe it. That proved that he cared for me.
Another night I slept over at his house, because he was too tired to drive me home. His bedroom was in the basement and his bed was near a window. It was raining gently during the night. I still remember listening to the rain fall and feeling like my pain was significant and would be bonded in my memory with the rain. I told Zach that I would be willing to give him a chance as long as he respected my beliefs. He wasn't sure that it would work out. He said, "that he wasn't sure how he felt about me, because after I told I couldn't date him, he started thinking about his x-girlfriend." I didn't think there was any chance that they were going to get back together. Well, this broke my heart and I cried. I slept on his chest and every few hours I would wake up and start crying again. He said, "are you okay?" I said, "no, my heart still hurts." Well, we went to school the next morning, very exhausted. I tried to act normal, but it was difficult.
Two weeks later, I invited him to see the opera, "Carmen". We ate at Red Lobster. It was a fantastic date. I had waited two weeks for him. The next day, I hung out with Travis in Seattle. I had started to like Travis a little. We came back to his apartment and he invited me in to talk. Although it was late, I said okay. Then we got to talking. I asked him if he would date me or something like that. I told him that I liked him and we agreed to start going out. Travis and I laid out the ground rules. Then we went into the bedroom and started making out hard core. He even got some of my clothes off! I knew there was no going back to the Mormon church.
I think it was a few weeks later when I told Zach and we ate at Denny's. He said, he didn't hold it against me. We didn't really hang out after that. The rumor at the school was that I was a bitch for not dating Zach, because everyone knew we both liked each other. Little did they know that I gave Zach a chance to date me. I just got impatient with him. I don't regret dating Travis, it just bugs me that Zach, such a great guy, got hurt and I don't know about it. It bugs me that I have used the coping mechanism to ignore in order to deal with the pain, doubt, regret, and fear. I didn't really evolve those feelings and settle them. I just kind of forgot about them, because I was so busy starting a relationship with Travis.
I have learned so much from dating Travis. I am more focused, more mature, less gullible, less innocent, and more responsible. I think it's a good thing that we dated, but I still miss Zach every once in a while. I miss him when I see a beat up old truck (he used to drive one around). I miss him when I think of the old apartment, hear "Serenity" by Godsmack, and go swimming.
I want to tell him that I miss him and I want to be his friend. I've been burying my anger for him. I want to push him away so much, so it hurts him, or so our relationship wouldn't exist anymore and I could erase it from my memory. I wish he would call me and make the effort to hang out.
People at my school don't hang out with me anymore. Jen said it's because Travis has such a strong personality. I've changed also. I'm not the fun, gullible, Mormon anymore. Now, I'm not afraid to show that I'm intelligent and that I will fight for what I believe. I am more assertive and more aware of people's bullshits and lies. I'm getting the hang out identifying sincerity and learning to keep track of when people keep their word.
Speaking of keeping your word, I promised Zach that I would take him out for his birthday. His birthday was more than 1/2 year ago. I will take him out sometime.
Travis and my personality seemed to have grown around each other. I just can't picture being out with my friends, without having him there. If he's not there physically, he's there in my heart. That bothers me, because it seems that I lost myself completely through arguing with Travis (realizing my negative behaviors and attitudes) and with Travis' help found it; so he is my only guide. I would like to have some friends that are not connected with Travis; but they always will be, because I will end up telling him about my dreams and hopes with my friendships and what we do. When I tell him about my friends or even think about telling him, I hope that he will make a note of it that I am building friendship and have a life outside of him. Simply by hoping that it's important to him, that part of me becomes a part of him. It's hard to explain.
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| | Posted 7/10/2005 5:35 AM - 1 View - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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