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bluechaoticrose
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Birthday: 12/27/1984
Gender: Female
Interests: I am an artist and will soon be putting up a website with my art for others to view. I have starting to learn to use a variety of media. I love photography and mixed media. If you know about any art communities, websites, or events happening in the Seattle area, please let me know.
Expertise: I have been playing the piano for 13 years, the oboe for 1 year, the flute for 8 years, and the violin for 1 year. Music is part of my life so I would consider myself an expert although I am not a professional musician. My goal is to join a symphony in the Seattle area after graduating with a BSBA in Project Management. If you know of teachers in the Seattle area, who teach oboe, flute, violon, guitar bass, or piano, please let me know.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Business
Message: message me
Member Since:
2/11/2004
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| Travis spoke with my Dad on July 3, 2005. Travis said, "do you want me to talk to him?" I said, "yes", so Travis called him. After talking to him, my Dad thinks that Travis is an okay guy. That takes a load of pressure off me. I think my Dad realizes that we're happy together. | | |
| I spoke with Jen tonight about Zach. It's been over a year and a half since I told him I loved him. I gave him two weeks and then I started dating Travis. I didn't give him notice that I was going to start dating Travis, it just happened. Well, for awhile Jen said that she noticed she could see regret in Zach's eyes and this was before she knew that something happened between us.
Well, what happened between us is that when I first starting attending DeVry University, we hit it off and become good friends. I let him know early on that we couldn't date, because he wasn't LDS. We still hung out a lot. He tickled me, teased me, played hackey sack, cooked for me, and flirted. We went swimming together, went out to Teriyaki, watched movies. I have many fond memories of us together. During the week during schools, he would stay at my apartment and sleep in the living room or my bedroom. This was because he saved on gas and I could get a ride to school.. A few days I slept in his bed (an air mattress he brought with him) and snuggled with him. I really liked him, but decided not to date him. Zach helped me through a few rough times. I was so happy when I was with him. I told Zach that I think I loved him after he helped me through a rough time and he didn't know how to respond to that.
One day I pretended that I was asleep in the living room near the TV. Zach had set up his computer and air mattress in the living room and was playing on the computer. He took a break and said, "Jessica, are you awake", or something like that. Then he caressed my face gently. I couldn't believe it. That proved that he cared for me.
Another night I slept over at his house, because he was too tired to drive me home. His bedroom was in the basement and his bed was near a window. It was raining gently during the night. I still remember listening to the rain fall and feeling like my pain was significant and would be bonded in my memory with the rain. I told Zach that I would be willing to give him a chance as long as he respected my beliefs. He wasn't sure that it would work out. He said, "that he wasn't sure how he felt about me, because after I told I couldn't date him, he started thinking about his x-girlfriend." I didn't think there was any chance that they were going to get back together. Well, this broke my heart and I cried. I slept on his chest and every few hours I would wake up and start crying again. He said, "are you okay?" I said, "no, my heart still hurts." Well, we went to school the next morning, very exhausted. I tried to act normal, but it was difficult.
Two weeks later, I invited him to see the opera, "Carmen". We ate at Red Lobster. It was a fantastic date. I had waited two weeks for him. The next day, I hung out with Travis in Seattle. I had started to like Travis a little. We came back to his apartment and he invited me in to talk. Although it was late, I said okay. Then we got to talking. I asked him if he would date me or something like that. I told him that I liked him and we agreed to start going out. Travis and I laid out the ground rules. Then we went into the bedroom and started making out hard core. He even got some of my clothes off! I knew there was no going back to the Mormon church.
I think it was a few weeks later when I told Zach and we ate at Denny's. He said, he didn't hold it against me. We didn't really hang out after that. The rumor at the school was that I was a bitch for not dating Zach, because everyone knew we both liked each other. Little did they know that I gave Zach a chance to date me. I just got impatient with him. I don't regret dating Travis, it just bugs me that Zach, such a great guy, got hurt and I don't know about it. It bugs me that I have used the coping mechanism to ignore in order to deal with the pain, doubt, regret, and fear. I didn't really evolve those feelings and settle them. I just kind of forgot about them, because I was so busy starting a relationship with Travis.
I have learned so much from dating Travis. I am more focused, more mature, less gullible, less innocent, and more responsible. I think it's a good thing that we dated, but I still miss Zach every once in a while. I miss him when I see a beat up old truck (he used to drive one around). I miss him when I think of the old apartment, hear "Serenity" by Godsmack, and go swimming.
I want to tell him that I miss him and I want to be his friend. I've been burying my anger for him. I want to push him away so much, so it hurts him, or so our relationship wouldn't exist anymore and I could erase it from my memory. I wish he would call me and make the effort to hang out.
People at my school don't hang out with me anymore. Jen said it's because Travis has such a strong personality. I've changed also. I'm not the fun, gullible, Mormon anymore. Now, I'm not afraid to show that I'm intelligent and that I will fight for what I believe. I am more assertive and more aware of people's bullshits and lies. I'm getting the hang out identifying sincerity and learning to keep track of when people keep their word.
Speaking of keeping your word, I promised Zach that I would take him out for his birthday. His birthday was more than 1/2 year ago. I will take him out sometime.
Travis and my personality seemed to have grown around each other. I just can't picture being out with my friends, without having him there. If he's not there physically, he's there in my heart. That bothers me, because it seems that I lost myself completely through arguing with Travis (realizing my negative behaviors and attitudes) and with Travis' help found it; so he is my only guide. I would like to have some friends that are not connected with Travis; but they always will be, because I will end up telling him about my dreams and hopes with my friendships and what we do. When I tell him about my friends or even think about telling him, I hope that he will make a note of it that I am building friendship and have a life outside of him. Simply by hoping that it's important to him, that part of me becomes a part of him. It's hard to explain.
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| I was just reading over some of my old entries and shocked at what I read. It's been a real rollercoaster ride for Travis and me. Things are going well now. I had lunch with a coworker today. I told him that Travis said if I want to do something like PeaceCorps or AmeriCorps, he would support me and even let me go. My coworker was impressed and said, "that's love." | | |
| Tonight I spoke with my father and afterwards I was very
depressed. He says that he'll never accept Travis. He
mentioned that we might end up drifting apart, like my two
half-sisters; just because he can't learn to accept their different way
of life. They're not Mormon and never will be and now I am not
Mormon and have no plans of going back. This is hard on my father
and mother, because they were just sealed in the temple with their
family. In the LDS religion, this means that they will be
together forever after they die with God. It's a huge committment
and I won't be joining them. I could go to another heaven.
In the LDS religion, after you die you go to Spirit Paradise or Spirit
Prision, depending on your actions and your heart after you die.
Then when the final judgement day comes (2nd coming of Christ), you
will be judged and sent to one of three kingdoms or outer darkness. The
three kindgdoms of Heaven are, in descending order, Celestial,
Terrestial, and Telestial - also known as degrees of glory. Oh
yeah, then there's outer darkness. Well, if you are not sealed to
your family, you can end up going to another kingdom. I don't
know how that works out. It's a big deal for the Mormons.
He did say two things that hit me like a stone. He said, "you are
kind for loving me", and "If I could go back and change things, I
would." I could hear over the phone he was getting
misty-eyed. He has a hard time accepting that I'm not Mormon
anymore. I'm different. I've always been fascinating by
others' beliefs; simply because they believe in it, hold it dear to
their heart, and their beliefs give them meaning and purpose in life. I
respect that and I am happy that others have found meaning and purpose,
even if it's not through the Mormon church. I want to learn about
Buddhist teachings and why they do what they do. I respect any religion
that respects all human beings.
I spoke with Travis afterwards and he said he is still learning to
accept and forgive his father for some of the things he's done.
They simply do not see eye to eye on many things. Travis said the
fact that he said some of the hurtful things that he did, means that he
cares and is concerned for him. The opposite of love is
indifference (or apathy). My dad cares for me a lot. otherwise he
wouldn't be saying some of the things he does say to me.
Travis and I respect my mother so much for striving to be a mother and
having such a difficult time. I've never seen my dad the same
way. Probably because I don't know him very well. I have a
hard time seeing the progress my dad has made, because many of his
actions seem irrational. He says he's going to change, but is so
inconsistent that it's hard to believe him. With my mom, she
never made so many promises that she couldn't keep, but said I love you
and am trying to be a good mother, even though she has panic attacks
when making dinner and planning. She has improved over the
years. With my mother, she told me her will, her intentions, and
I saw her see many things through with patience. My dad's an
impatient person, but is becoming more patient through the years.
Today I ate sushi at To Dai in Redmond, Washington. It's
expensive, but very delicious. It was for my friend's birthday
party. Then afterwards Travis and I washed the car and went to
the movies. I saw Batman Begins and Bewitched. I enjoyed
them very much.
Thanks Amy for telling me you read my online journal. It has motivated me to write again.
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| I feel that I need to write to remember who I am. I feel empty
most of the time and I hate that. I need to find something to put
there. Piano and the LDS church used to be there. Now, when
people ask what am I passionate about, I'm not sure what to say.
It's the truth. I am passionate about music, but it's been so
long that it's been a part of my every day life, I feel like I don't
even deserve to say I am passionate about music.
I want to replace that with the desire to improve. Travis tells
me that I do not even want to improve, that I could care less. It
hurts a little, but I know it's true. I don't want to stay in
this same state the rest of my life or even for one more year. I
look at myself like this a year from now, and I don't want to be "just
okay" with graduating, "just okay" with myself. How can I do
that? Well, just working my butt off, doesn't work. I have
to be consistent in the areas I choose to improve or else it's all for
nothing.
Hm....I need to develop specific goals and measure my progress.
Then I will be able to tell myself I am doing well or poorly. I
can tell Travis that I am improving and actually show him the results.
Working on my finances 15 minutes a day. Writing all bills on the
calendar. Completing all of my chores. Being on time.
Listen to a motivational tape a day. Read for 15 minutes.
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